I’m not really Jewish.
That’s what I told everyone growing up.
I’m not really Jewish. I wasn’t raised Jewish. My Dad is Jewish, and I love him. But I’m not.
My mother was, for her part, Christian-ish. She believed in Jesus but hated organized religion. We went to church for a couple of years, but it didn’t take.
I’m not really Jewish.
That’s what I’d say when everyone in high school teased me for being a Jew. Levin-stein. Hebrew-stein. Making fun of my elongated Jewish nose. My large, Jewish lips.
I laughed along. What else can you do? Never show them weakness. Never show them it hurts.
I didn’t have a bar mitzvah. I have never read the Torah. There are so many things about Judaism I don’t understand. It’s like a locked box and I do not have the key.
But maybe.. maybe I am a little Jewish?
Aren’t my Dad’s people… my people, too? But I’m not like… a real Jew. I am not in the club. I’m not Chosen, I would joke.
Early morning, October 7th, Hamas unleashed a surprise attack on Israel. They killed about 1400 Israelis. Mostly civilians.
People attending a music festival. People living in a rural kibbutz. People just living their lives.
Something deep within me trembled. Some ancestral fear. Seeing these people mourning their dead. Their lives ripped apart.
And of course, the world mostly mourned with them.
Though there were others. People who implied that Israel, kind of, you know… deserved it.
Something else within me stirs. This is all familiar, isn’t it?
I was on vacation with a girlfriend. We were talking about CNN or something. And I said something about how many people really think Jews run the world.
And she says, “Well they do run Hollywood, though.”
It was so nothing, she didn’t even think it mattered. It was just a fact, like the sky is blue.
A million little cuts. A million tiny little reminders that you aren’t like everyone else.
But I’m not even Jewish.
It’s like a mantra. If I deny it and deny it and deny it, I can’t be it.
But its all over my face. My nose, my lips. The last name. It screams he’s a Jew.
It’s easy to deny being Jewish. I’m an atheist. You’re not really Jewish if you aren’t born of a Jewish woman. See! I’m just a regular white Christian guy like you! Just a normal, regular person.
My father’s family is from Hamburg, Germany. They came to America in 1938. We’re the Lucky Ones.
Rudolph Levinson essentially had his successful business devalued, ceased, and then he had to pay taxes, leaving him with nothing except a boat ticket. So he could come to America and become a janitor.
Like i said, we’re the Lucky Ones.
One of the worst parts of the devastating attack on Israel is the knowledge of what’s to come.
Israel will not do nothing. They will inflict horrors upon the Palestinian people — most of whom are just trying to live their lives, like their Israeli counterparts. Same as anybody.
Like many American Jews (though I’m not really Jewish), I have deeply conflicted feelings about Israel.
I’m a liberal. I believe in equal rights and freedoms. Not just for Israelis. For Palestinians, too.
But I’ve also never lived anywhere that regularly comes under rocket fire. I don’t know what it does to people. Probably nothing good.
Its just more violence. Which begets more violence.
It doesn’t really matter who started it now. And it feels like we’ll never escape.
It’s a black hole that’s swallowing us all.
Now, in my 40’s, I buy a $60 Star of David necklace from Etsy. I guess this is my bar mitzvah.
I still don’t know anything. I can’t speak Hebrew. The Torah remains shrouded in mystery. Passover seder is a ritual I don’t fully understand, but love.
But I don’t really believe it, you know?
There is something inside of me awakening. Something I’m remembering. A belonging to these people.
A people who are afraid. Afraid of total annihilation.
Can’t you see… ?
There’s 16 million of us. In the world.
There’s 2.2 billion Christians. There’s 1.6 billion Muslims. There’s 1 billion Hindus. There’s 500 million Buddhists.
We’re a tiny, tiny shred of the world.
But we run Hollywood. We secretly control the US government. We brought this on ourselves.
I hate Israeli PM Netenyahu almost as much as I hate Donald Trump.
I hate the Israeli settlers who encroach on land in the West Bank because they know they can get away form it. I hate the Israelis who talk about Palestinians like they’re animals. I hate the right-wing lurch towards fascism.
But those are just people. They are no more Israel than white supremacists are America.
When we talk about people as monoliths, we erase them.
There is an idea of Israel.
Israel is the dream that Jews will never again put their own lives in the hands of another group of people. Never again let something like that happen to them.
I can’t help but feel that deep within me. It wasn’t so long ago.
Who would you trust with your life? America?
It’s been 13 days since the attack.
There’s this buzzing in my ear. A low frequency, but it’s there.
I stare endlessly at live reddit threads. I watch grainy footage of missiles in the night sky. I worry about who accidentally bombed a hospital. I hope it wasn’t Israel.
It would just make everyone hate them more. Us.
I’m a pacifist. I’ve never been in a fight in my life. I don’t believe in the death penalty. I don’t care what somebody did — killing people is wrong.
But if it came to it. If it really came to it, and it was an existential threat to Israel.
If it was really us vs them.
I guess it would be Us.
Which is crazy, because I’m not even Jewish.
